Hey! Happy Annual “What the Fuck Am I Doing With My Life Day!!!” 2020
(are you excited yet???)
I hate when people ask me what I’m going to be doing next year. Like, seriously? I don’t have 2020 vision… I’m still trying to figure out which fancy bubbly I’ll be drinking from our “some assembly required plastic wine glasses” at midnight…
I have no idea what everybody thinks is so special about New Year’s Eve, I drop the ball at least once a day? But seriously, I’m doing the eye roll as we approach New Year’s Eve. All of this “New Year, New Me” bullshit. Many lazy, arrogant people are SO overzealous with their New Year’s resolutions, actually believing they’re going to do something. Listen jackass, if your life sucked last year, it will probably still suck next year. I mean really, rather than just picking one resolution, why don’t you just try getting your shit together in general? A New Year for them? More like “Same shit, different year,” SMH. Change? Dude, you gotta WANT it. You’ve got to want change in your life and make it happen…
Personally, I think I made way too many New year’s resolutions for THIS year. It took me almost a full day to break them all! Last month, I decided I was going to quit all my bad habits for 2020. But then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter. But, I must digress. First and foremost, my main resolution is to reign in my sarcasm.
(Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be mega-successful with that one…)
Listen, to all the people that couldn’t stand me this year, I’m just giving you a heads up now that next year is going to be even worse. At midnight you’ll find me with my mistletoe dangling over my butt cheeks waiting to see if anybody figures it out…
My New Year’s wishes for you?
May your New year’s end with you counting numbers backwards and not reciting the alphabet backwards. Then, may you get to spend more time doing what really matters, like binge watching Netflix. May all of your troubles last as long as your New year’s resolutions.
And listen, do like I do. Make sure you to remember to set your scales back 10 pounds of midnight, give yourself a fighting chance! And if you’re worried that you’re not going to get a New Year’s Eve kiss, just remember Valentine’s day’s in 45 days. Hopefully you won’t be alone for that too. You need to work on that! Listen throw any and all caution to the wind, grab the first guy(or girl) that came in without a date and plant one on ’em! Chances are that they’ll be so hammered they won’t remember it anyways!!!
Seriously though, I wouldn’t expect any successful New year’s resolutions from me. I plan on staying the same sarcastic, foul-mouthed, reality check giving delight that you’ve all come to love(and hate). There isn’t going to be any “new year new me” here; I’m going to be the same snarky, honest bitch at 12:01 that I was at 11:59, lol! But in the meantime, I will toast to YOU at midnight, wishing you 12 months of prosperity, 52 weeks of success, 365 days a fun, 8760 hours of laughter, 525600 minutes of joy + 31536000 seconds of good luck!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Here’s a look back on 2019 with Annoying Orange… Enjoy!