Ain’t EVER Gonna Be No Charlie Brown Christmas Tree Branch in MY House!

Aaaaaahhhhhh, Christmas…. Quickly approaching, and as always, time to get the Christmas tree. You,’ve gotta understand, I am your proverbial Christmas addict. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of the morons that says day after Christtmas, “YAYYYYY!!! ONLY 364 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS!!!!” But I DO wait all year and count the days until the live trees come in at the local place we go to buy them. I’ve always loved Christmas, and the tree is my favorite part. When I was a kid, we had nothing but the artificial put together tree. I loved that tree, and didn’t mind cutting my fingers on the wire branches trying to put the damn thing together every year.

Then one year, I think I was 4 or 5, I remember going to my aunt and uncle’s house. I vividly remember my uncle having the flu, the humidifier running with the Vicks vapor rub, but more importantly, their real, live tree. Up until that point in my life I had never seen one, or even more so, smelled one. OMFG, I didn’t want to leave!

At that point, all I did all the way home was badger my parents that we HAD to get a live Christmas tree. My mom came up with every excuse in the book not to get one. She kept telling me aside of the fact that they were a fire hazard, the mess they made. She was telling me that the one time she got one, the next year she was still cleaning up needles from the year before. No matter how much I pouted or moped, we always had our fake tree.  As the years went by, the color coded tips on the wires wore off and I would tape them so I would remember which ones went where. That tree got a lifetime out of us! Seriously, at least probably 10 or 12 years.

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Ain't EVER Gonna Be No Charlie Brown Christmas Tree Branch in MY House! Christmas holly title graphic with Christmas balls hanging
NOT GONNA HAPPEN…

Fast forward to my ex. Ever year all of his life he had a real tree. He couldn’t believe that I had never had a live tree. Omfg I was SO EXCITED for that first Christmas together!!! We got a HUGE, FAT tree, 8 footer. Omg, that intoxicating smell!!! I was like a 4 year old every night waiting to turn it on. And then, the one thing I never saw coming was our dog, unbeknownst to us, peeing on it every day until we shoved the gifts under the tree on Christmas Eve and woke up Christmas day to everything covered in happy sprinkle tinkles, courtesy of our Doberman, Buck….

Ironically, one night two of his best friends were well on the hammered side after New year’s. They come in at 1 in the morning dragging in a fairly well-dead Christmas tree that somebody put out in the garbage. They thought it would be a fun idea to decorate it and light it up. So, half in the bag, they set the tree up, put lights on it, and decided to turn it on. Everybody’s hanging out, and all of a sudden we start to smell smoke. Then the smoke detectors started going off… let’s just say we absolutely positively started the year off with a bang… Good times….

So some years after, my dad was living with me for a bit. Christmas tree time comes, we go to pick out a tree.

Dad: “I don’t think it’s going to fit…”
Me: “I don’t think it’s big enough….”
Dad: “Are you nuts?! This thing has to be 8 ft tall!
Me: “I think you’re wrong…”

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I pay for the tree, we get it home, we drag it in the house and it’s at least two full foot below the ceiling. So, I said,
“Okay, let’s go…” and start picking up the tree.
He asks, “Where are we going?”
I answer, “We’re bringing it back.”
He’s like, “Excuse me?” 
“It has to touch the ceiling” I said.
He says, “So what are you going to do?!”
I said, “We’re going to return this and get a bigger tree!”

At this point, I’m holding a completely straight face and clearly he can see the apple did NOT fall far from the tree. He shook his head and grabbed the other half of the tree and off we went… And we got another tree. It was missing the ceiling by 3 inches, he just looked over at me and said, “Don’t you even…”

Oh allllll riiiiiiight…..

Listen, you know me, go big or go home in all phases of life. The Christmas tree is NO EXCEPTION! Ain’t EVER gonna be no Charlie Brown Christmas tree branch in MY house…

Fast forward to present time with my husband. He has learned that when I said the tree has to touch the ceiling, I meant it. It is accepted policy in our house that the tree better be freaking huge. But the biggest load of crap ever, and many stores like Lowe’s and Home Depot pull this stunt, is that the price their trees by the foot. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, except if the tree has literally two or three feet of stump underneath where the needles start, just to assign it a 2-foot higher height status and $30 extra cost! Listen, I have no problem paying the price, but by the time they cut the stump down, there’s literally 1 to 3 ft less tree! Now it’s not an 8 to 10 foot tree, it’s a 6 to 8 foot tree! 

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So the other day we went and got our tree. I saw it from quite literally 30-foot away, it’s stuck out like a sore thumb, biggest tree in the place! Normally I torture my husband to pull out six or seven trees, do the tree model parade and spinny spin before picking out a tree. This tree, I didn’t even make him take it out, I just said that’s the one. We get it home and it’s the biggest, thickest, widest tree I think we’ve ever gotten. it doesn’t touch the ceiling, but it comes dang close. With the angel it will.

But he says to me, “This is the tallest tree we’ve ever gotten.” I said, “No it’s not, there is a full two feet of stump at the bottom and it doesn’t touch the ceiling. We’ve had bigger…” But then I just look at it extra stump and all, and all I can think is,

“It’s a beaut, Clark!”

Oh, and, before I go, question for the week:
Am I the only person that thinks there’s something seriously wrong with having to essentially stick a tree branch quite literally up the angel’s butt to get it to stay on the top of the tree???

Let me know, comment below!
CG

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