One year of shutdown in 16 lbs later, it’s back to the grind for me. Today will mark 5 days back to the gym, and I’m hurting in places I forgot I could ever feel pain. But, it’s a necessary evil; I have gone beyond muffin top to a busted can of biscuits.. I mean seriously, I know exactly what my body type is. It’s called hourglass, with extra minutes…
So I went out and bought myself a new Fitbit, and you know how they give you that whole “pro trial” thing? Good in some ways, others not so much. Friggin’ thing makes you realize what you do or don’t eat, how much you do or don’t drink… “You need to drink 8 cups of water a day, you need to cut carbs, you need to cut fat, you need to not eat after 6:00 p.m…” Good luck with that! I eat dinner nightly at about 9:30, along with all the good stuff that goes with it. Eight glasses of water? Funny how drinking eight cups of water a day seems a like living hell, but six beers and six shots in like three hours go down like a fat guy on a seesaw, smh… (Yeah, I said it! Welcome to the inner workings of my brain, you may want to buckle up…)
And, Fitbit makes you more aware of all of the crap you eat. They suggest removing all fattening foods from the house. I HAVE removed all the bad food from the house, it was delicious! What about reduced fat Oreos? They have half as much fat, so I can eat twice as many, right? And chocolate syrup? Well, that’s a fat free food! They say that eggs are FANTASTIC when you’re on a diet. And listen, if you don’t like the taste, just add flour, sugar, butter and cocoa and cook it 350 for 30 minutes!
But seriously, I hate it when the “dieting me” does the food shopping. Now the shameless me wants some Lays and sour cream onion dip and I all I have is grapes and carrots!!!
And then they tell you you need to exercise. Up ’til 5 days ago, my exercise routine only consisted of doing diddly squats. But now? I exercise at the gym AND I exercise at home. If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up, that’s a squat, right? Reaching for the cookies on the top shelf all the way in the back has to count as a good stretch, right? See? Easy peasy!
But going to the gym can be an absolute train wreck if nothing else. There are people that are stupid thin wearing next to no clothes, there are people like me with sweats on and covering everything, and there are the super fits. The men that are the Greek gods themselves. On the other hand, you have the people that have absolutely no clue what they’re doing. Not funny when they misuse a weight machine to the point that it’s dangerous, BUT funny as hell to walk into the gym to see a guy using the water bottle holder on a treadmill for a can of Pringles. There’s one guy there that’s training for a marathon. I tried to be genuinely interested and ask him how he was doing. He asked me if I had ever done a marathon. I told him the closest marathon I’ve ever done is binge-watching “Stranger Things” on Netflix. God bless him… Me? Back to the grind…
Then you have the guys walking in sucking down protein shakes before they start their workouts. I keep trying to make protein shakes but they always come out of the blender as strawberry daiquiris.. All I know is that it’s February, and if I don’t do something soon, my winter fat will turn into spring rolls. So, off to the gym I go. And, I’mma do EXACTLY what I saw on a sign online:
Do cardio for your heart health
Lift weights for muscle
And last but not least,
Eat ice cream for mental health!
Now here’s a bit of Fitbit humor for ya! Ever see this one from Big Bang???