Butter, NOT Parkay

Butter is slippery, that’s why we eat as much as possible to lubricate our arteries and veins!

I slathered a slab of the creamy goodness that is REAL butter on a piece of my Kings Hawaiian bread at my Thanksgiving dinner table. Biting into the chewy, doughy sweetness with just the right smattering of the savory butter, my eyes nearly rolled into the back of my head…

Sounds almost sexy, doesn’t it? Well, yes, of course it does! It’s the romance that we ALL have with butter.  You’ll never get that result with margarine, believe me. Completely different taste, completely different results when baking. It’s like spreading nasty grease on your bread. Yes, it’s always soft, but it’s this taste the completely coats your mouth. Then all you want to do is spit it out and you can’t. You can literally wipe your tongue with a plain piece of bread and you can’t get it off! Yes, it may cost half the price, but leave that crap on that shelf and grab the butter! You’ll thank me later…

Butter. Everyone loves it.

But no one loves it more than cats. Cats will always manage to find the butter. ALWAYS. Countertops? Yep! Dinner table? Hell yeah! Come on, you’re making it way too easy. For crying out loud, cats can perform feats of dexterity that humans can’t even THINK about. They’ll fish out empty stick of butter wrappers from the garbage, and they’ll find the used tubs from the recycle bin. If there remains even the slightest residue of butter, the cats will find it.

They even know how to get the cover off the porcelain butter dish. I’ll never make THAT mistake again. Now I’m dealing with a broken dish, broken glass everywhere, and a stick of butter I’m not sure what to do with. It would be a shame to toss it, but it seems like too much to give the dog.

Aw heck, it’s fine, right? Who cares if I get kitty cooties. I’m sure I already have them anyway. I’ll just scrape a layer off and put it away like nothing ever happened. But this time I’ll put it in the fridge. Hard butter sucks, but it’s better than half-eaten kitty-spit butter. Not to mention those weird tongue indents from wherever they licked it from all those weird hairs on their tongue. Holy crap, have you ever checked those things out?! It explains why it feels like sandpaper ripping the skin off your hands when they go to lick you before they taste, I mean BITE you. You know, those love bite things that they speak of? Love bites my BALLS that I don’t have, drawing blood is NOT love… Where the hell is that buttter?!

Oh, and regular butter is also WAAAAAAYYYYY better than unsalted butter. I mistakenly grabbed THAT stuff once. Good God almighty, I don’t know WHAT the market for it is, but it sure as hell isn’t MY house — even the CATS weren’t interested! It’s like spreading barely-flavored grease onto a piece of bread. Who the hell does that?! Kind of defeats the purpose, no? That’s almost like dipping bread in straight vegetable oil before eating it. Not olive oil, vegetable oil. For what? To lubricate the bread as it goes down? Really? Seriously?

But the real suck? Butter is FATTENING. Is it delish? ABSOLUTELY! Does it make better cookies? HELL YEAH! But, at the end of the day, you may as well just unwrap a stick of it and rub it straight into your thighs, ‘cuz that’s where it’s going… That way it’ll save you time…

And let’s not forget about the “I Can’t Believe It’s NOT Butter!” Listen, I can ABSOLUTELY believe it’s not butter!!! It’s got more of a margarine texture, but with butter color and attempted butter flavor. But, I must digress; if you’re on a diet, or a dietary restriction like cholesterol, it isn’t all that bad. And, it’s absolutely better than nothing. Or margarine. (THAT stuff tastes like crap!) Although Parkay’s claim was that it tastes too good to be margarine, because it was creamy.

Remember Parkay Margarine? I guess it was like whipped margarine in a tub, because to me it tasted the same??? That’s why it always tried to CONVINCE you that it was butter, and then informed you that it was, indeed, Parkay Margarine. Here ya go, check it out! Here are a few oldie but goodies from Parkay!