Chickens. The Pets That Poop Breakfast

Chickens. The pets that poop breakfast. And at lunch, and at dinner, and at every thing and everywhere in between. Seriously, have you ever owned one?

Chicken ownership brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Holy shit!!!”

(I shit you not!)

Well, I shit you not, but I’m sure the chicken will shit you everywhere you like, lol! The average healthy chicken craps at least 12 to 15 times a day. (Imagine an unhealthy one?) Now normally, that wouldn’t be a big deal, except if you’ve never owned one, you can’t really understand….

chicks in a coop

Usually, you need to buy your chicks around Easter.  I’ll bring you one and I’m going to sit back and watch. Why? Well, they can’t be put outside until they have their first full feathers. They need to be kept very warm, as in, to the tune of 80 to 90°. So what difference does that make? Well, that means they have to be in your house. So you ask, “Again, what’s the big deal?” Well, those little effers can fly. Yep, I said it. They can FLY. And after they’ve been in your house for 2 or 3 weeks, you will find them on top of your dining room china cabinets, on top of your lamps, and mind you, they are pooping on everything. Over. And over. Again. Trust me, it makes for a pretty shitty situation.

Now, don’t get me wrong, these little suckers grow really fast. And they run 10 times FASTER. Oh, go ahead and laugh! Have you ever tried to catch one? I’ll bring one to you so I can sit back and laugh my fool ass off watching you try to catch it and not get your eyes scratched out! I’ll be sure to bring the theme song to Benny Hill, it’ll make for a perfect backdrop…

Nobody realizes that those little fuckers have this giant dew claw type of thing on the back of their legs by the time they’re like 4 months old. (See pic below) That thing will become the bane of your existence if you try to catch them on a daily basis. It’s there for a reason: to do bodily harm to anybody that tries to harm them. Just remember that when you’re trying to catch them, because those legs are the first things that they stick out and flail as you try to grab them. There will be bloodshed, and it won’t be pretty. Trust me, I know firsthand. Cute and fluffy floofballs my BALLS that I don’t have…

chicken feet and claws

So yes, they are like kittens; they go from cute and fluffy to big, dirty and sometimes nasty. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, ALL the time nasty. So what’s the upside? Well, probably the biggest eggs with the biggest, most orange and beautiful yolks you will ever eat. If you’ve never had a fresh egg, you really don’t know. If you crack five eggs and one store bought egg into a bowl, you can tell immediately which one was the store bought, it’s insane the difference. Is it a pain in the ass having them? Yes. Does it suck in the winter? Absolutely. Having to feed them at 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning and 6 inches of snow in a dark backyard is not fun, trust me on this one. But it is absolutely, POSITIVELY worth it! Chickens. The pets that poop breakfast!

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