Relax. We’re ALL crazy! It’s not a competition…
Sooooo I think I told you, I went to the doctor the other day. He told me I need to start killing people. I mean, what he really said was that I should reduce the stress in my life. Kinda the same thing? When life gets crazy, my blood pressure tends to go up a bit, you know? I mean listen, I don’t ever WISH death on anybody who does me dirty. I just wish instantaneous explosive diarrhea on them.
While they’re on a date.
In the middle of allergy season.
(You know, with lots and lots of unexpected sneezing?)
But you know, sometimes it’s more fun to just make people THINK you’re crazy. Scare the shit out of them, ya know? Like, for example, one day a while back, I was at work in the break room. I opened the drawer and pulled out a knife, and just kind of looked at this guy with a little smile. Then I said, “Oh, look, I’ve got a knife. You never quite know what I’m going to do with it. Open up a letterrrr, stab youuuuu, or maybe I’m just going to frost a cup cake. Are you feeling… lucky???”
As I ripped an electric bill out of my back pocket and proceeded to use the knife to open it, I thought he’d damn near wet his pants… I just looked at him, said, “Hell, I wouldn’t even mess with me. I’ve seen so many episodes of Cold Case Files, CSI and Criminal Minds, I can make your death look like the Easter Bunny did it… Besides, I LIKE you! You inspire my inner serial killer! I just smiled a big Cheshire Cat grin and walked away. He was a lot of fun to toy with! Too bad he got offered a better job out of state….
Listen, I don’t think I could ever stab anybody. I mean, let’s be real here, I can barely get the straw through the hole in the Capri Sun! But all of this does beg the question, does it count as saving somebody’s life if you refrain from choking them? Like, we’ve ALLLL had that person that we’ve met for the first time and instantly wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub. Amiright? Anybody?
Oh, yeah, like I’m the only one… riiiiiight…
Come on, we all have demons! I just choose to feed mine. And besides, my mama taught me well! She said, “Don’t stab anybody in the back.” And she was absolutely right! It’s FAR easier to get their vital organs from the front!
Am I crazy?