Gag Me With a Valentine’s Day!

Okay, only 3 days left until it’s “Gag me with a Valentine’s Day!!!”

Listen, we all know that the real holiday is actually February 15th when all the chocolate is 75% off. Seriously, Valentine’s day is like the second most expensive day of the year, only second to Mother’s Day.

So what’s your status this Valentine’s Day? Are you happily hooked up with a guy that’s never at a loss of saying, “I’d mount and dew you?” Or maybe you’re happily hooked up with a girl looking at you in her best lingerie, saying, “You can hakuna mah ta-tas ANYTIME!”

Or are you celebrating Valentine’s Day “Han style?” As in SOLO? Listen, don’t get me wrong. A good friend of mine says she will wake be waking up that morning, single, with all of her bills paid, money in the bank, no specific guy to annoy her, with a bunch of “Good Morning, Valentine!” texts from all of her(ahem) guy friends with benefits…

woman waking up on Valentine's Day
Good morning, Valentine!

Another super cool guy friend of mine who is UNHAPPILY single said he’s spending his Valentine’s Day lying naked on the floor with a big ass pile of nachos and a bottle of tequila, screaming Adele songs at his dog, lol!

(Hey! Roses are red, violets are blue, bourbon costs less than a dinner for two!)

Back in the day, I was a server at a couple of restaurants, but one particular coworker was absolutely awesome! Every Valentine’s Day, he would go into Greenwich village and buy a sterling silver ring with a cubic zirconia, making sure it looked like an engagement ring. He’d spend like 15 bucks, and he said it was the best 15 bucks he ever spent. Why?

Well, because he would wait until he was waiting on a dating couple(girl and some poor unsuspecting victim) where the girl ordered a drink with something dark in it, like Coke. He would drop the ring in the bottom of the glass before the ice was put in, obviously for safety. Then he would sit back and wait. The girl would finish the drink and start screaming(no she wasn’t choking on the ring), and the guy is sitting there, not knowing what the hell is going on as she starts screaming, “YES!!!! YES, I’LL MARRY YOU!!!” 

Poor bastard. Priceless…

girl fantasizing about her wedding

Unfortunately my husband will be working on Valentine’s Day, so I’ll be having my own threesome; Me, Ben and Jerry. And that’s not a bad thing for him! Trust me, I’ll be waiting for him when he gets home..

At the end of the day, if you’re looking for love, it’s right in front of you! It’s right in the candy aisle by the chocolate! And if you are really hardcore, it’s right down the block at the liquor store! All depends on your point of desperation.

It can always be worse.  Somebody else I know who can’t stand his wife went to go by the pantry and found a note taped to the garbage bag, saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day, you can take me out anytime!” So, he responded in kind. He bought a heart shaped box of assorted mini Hershey chocolate bars. Then he ate all of them but saved the box. He handed her the empty box with a card in it. What did the card say?

“Roses are red, chocolate is brown, you’re getting neither, so sit the f*** down…”

heart shaped box of chocolates
Happy Valentine’s Day!

Anyway, no matter what your status is, Happy Valentine’s Day! And see you at Walmart on the 15th in the clearance aisle!


(for all those who aren’t getting the V, OR the D on February 14th…