I’m in a Good Place Right Now. Not Emotionally. I’m Just at the Liquor Store…

I can remember when a pint of rock solid Haagen-Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip ice cream and a fork  used to be the  greatest, most comforting thing ever? Good times! Good times…

But now with all of this coronavirus crap going on, a Corona seems to be the natural, logical way to go. You see, when I used to get stressed, food was my thing. Now with all of this stress, on top of stress, on top of stress? Alcohol has become a thing. ALONG with the food thing. Which explains why I’ve grown through two sizes of clothes since this coronavirus stuff started. Did I say Good Times? No Goddamn it, I didn’t! Not good times! I mean good times, I mean…. Dammit, laughing until you cry but not stopping crying is NOT GOOD TIMES!!!

I remember when they told us to lock down was coming. Had to get the priorities straight and get to the liquor store. Bought a couple cases of wine, the bigger magnum sized bottles. Priorities, you know? Always get bigger bottles than you think you’re going to need, better to be safe than sober!

In the beginning of shutdown, it was like, “Wow, ain’t this a bitch? I mean all we ever wanted to do was be able to stay home, do nothing, have a drink whenever we wanted, IF we wanted. Well, here we are… And listen, don’t get me wrong, in this day and age you can be a pessimist or an optimist, it’s your choice! A pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass as half full. Me? I just see more room for tequila!

But I always did love the saying, “Pick your poison.” For some people it’s tequila, for some it’s bourbon, for others it’s vodka. Me? I keep looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “Nancy, You have to stop drinking wine!” Thank God my name isn’t Nancy…

But for some people, drinking is the lesser of the evils. Some people truly have a good time, some drink to deal, some drink to forget. Some people call it self medicating. Listen, I’m not self-medicating, the guy at the liquor store gave me the prescription! Okay, so HE calls it a receipt, but just saying..

Good gravy, what the hell is that SCREAMING? Shut up liver! You’re doing just fine! I am NOT an alcoholic, I’m doing Liver CrossFit!

Listen, it’s always 5:00 somewhere! Now it’s ALWAYS 5:00 EVERYWHERE, as long as you’re at home. Drink of the day is called the Quarantini. It’s a regular martini, you just drink it by yourself. In your home. All alone. At least no mask is required… I never thought I’d see the day when my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth, but with all of this freaking hand sanitizer, holy shit! I mean seriously, I hope nobody comes near me with a match…

Howzabout some George Thorogood and the Destroyers “I Drink Alone,”??? Seems fitting right about now!!!

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