Sorry For What I Said When We Were Quarantined…

Quarantine, Day 5,287,361 of lockdown. Or somewhere close to that…

bare feet while sleeping in bed

This allergy shit during the Corona virus really sucks. I quite seriously don’t know if I have only three days to live or if I just need a damn Zyrtec. One person sneezes and everybody shits, omfg. I sneezed at the checkout counter at ShopRite and I’m trying to defend myself and convince everybody that I just have freaking allergies, smh…

But I gotta tell you, this virus is bringing out the ugly in everybody, and there ain’t no mask big enough to cover THAT kind of ugly. Cranky, tempers flaring, boredom ensues and all hell breaks loose. At least in my house, anyway.

Normally if I snapped at my husband, I could blame it on being hangry. But now during shutdown, all I’ve DONE is eat, so that’s out the window. Not to mention that I’ve grown out of every freaking pair of pants I’ve got! I figured that one out when I had to go out the other day and literally put on one pair after another of five pair of jeans before I opted to put on a pair of leggings. Yes, I know it was 85°. I know it was balls blazing hot, you don’t have to remind me. I have quite literally grown my fat ass out of every pair of pants I own…

So if that isn’t bad enough, my nerves are shot, and let’s just say my body clock and other systems are completely off kilter. I’m like wondering if there’s something seriously wrong with me. I go to the doctor, and he starts laughing. I’m like what’s so funny? He says, “Well, you have anxiety and you’re constipated, AND you think you have a disease. I guess that kinda means you can say you’re worried shitless?” To which I replied that I ran out of shits to give 3 months ago…

After I got done there I went to go food shopping. Figured I’d have some fun. Everybody else is wearing Batman masks, Buzz Lightyear helmets, so I figured I would put on my Michael Myers mask. Brought my machete just to make it look really great. Some guy walks up to me and says, “You know, not for nothing, but that mask isn’t going to help you keep from getting the virus.” I said, “Well, it may not keep me from getting the virus, but it’s a lot of fun and it sure helps with social distancing!”

But I gotta tell you, all of these 90 degree days… Getting outside and ripping that mask off is almost as great as getting home after a long day at work and taking off your bra, holy crap!

And how about we think about this? We have done complete and total role reversal with our dogs! Dogs are so tired of us being home that WE are annoying THEM. We go to pet them while they’re sleeping and it pisses them off! And in the meantime, we’re more excited than ever to go for a walk or go take a ride in the car, and every time we go near people, we get yelled at for being too close. Hell, it’s not like I tried to hump anybody’s leg or anything, smh… Now I understand why my pets try to bolt out of the house every time I open the freaking door.

And we’re literally looking for something to munch on 24 hours a day to the point that we’re screaming, “NO!!!” at each other, slapping each other’s paws, I mean hands, and fighting over that last half bag of Doritos… Now I go to pick up my 2 dogs’ boxes of dog bones, they growl at ME!

So this week, New Jersey came into phase two of reopening. That means that some restaurants were eligible to be open outside. Needless to say, we did not walk, we did not pass go OR collect $200, we RAN to that car to go and be out among the living! Oh my God, I’ve never seen so many people so happy to be back to work, lol! Before shut down, all they could do was bitch that they hated all of their jobs. Now they all say they have a newfound appreciation for them. As we sat there, a bunch of regulars came walking into the dining area, yelling, “We alcoholics are back in the house!” I just want to know, how come when I drink too much alcohol, they call me an alcoholic, but when I drink too much Fanta, nobody calls me “Fantastic?”

But you know what, at this point of the game there’s only one thing that’s really biting my ass. How the hell is it that there is no cure for a disease that dies by washing your hands with regular freaking soap and water?!
All I know is I’ve laid in bed long enough. Time to get up, get out of bed, shower,  get dressed and go lay on the couch. Next up? Calling my mom to ask her if that offer to slap me into next year still stands…

Leave a Reply