You’re Just Jealous the Voices Talk to Me…

Soooo I dunno about you, but this covid crap is irritating the shit out of me… The masks. Sanitizer. My sanity, what little I have left…  Hate the masks. Hate hate HATE the masks.  Sneezing with the mask on feels like crapping your pants with your face! But when I’m out around the covidiots, wearing the mask in public isn’t SO bad. Then I can actually talk to myself in peace…

Oh, stop it, of COURSE I talk to myself. After all, sometimes I need expert advice! Then there are other times I talk to myself and we BOTH laugh. See, a long time ago I used to talk to myself, but I lost the argument, so I had to shut up for a while. But ever since this lockdown crap, talking to myself is the most stimulating conversation I have all day! People say, “OMG you’re always walking around with a huge smile on your face! That’s because after my internal conversation I realize I’m a freaking riot!!!

Oh, wait. Lemme guess. You DON’T talk to yourself… Yeahhhhh, riiiiight. Like I’M the ONLY one…. Whatever helps you sleep at night.  You’re just jealous because the voices talk to ME!  People think I’m crazy.  I’m NOT crazy, I’m just special!  Nope, wait a second, maybe I AM crazy. Maybe just a little. Wait… I gotta consult me, hold on….  See?! You started another argument, now I’m grounded!!!

I mean listen, I know the voices aren’t real, but MAN, do they come up with some great ideas!  Breakfast for dinner, wine for breakfast, so many choices, so little time! Dude, even I’M afraid of the things my mind comes up with! Other times, my train of thought details and there are usually no survivors… Arguments? Omfg YES! Full blown debates! Quid pro quo! Then, abruptly, the other me says, “Jesus, drink some whisky!” And when I ask why, the other me goes, “Because whisky doesn’t ask stupid questions, whiskey just understands!”

You can talk to yourself all you want; as long as nobody answers back, you’re good. But if you ask yourself to repeat what you just said, well, you’re in deep shit. And if you see me talking to myself? Just move along. I’m self employed, and we’re having a staff meeting. And if it’s after school hours, I’m having a parent teacher conference…

At the end of the day, I’m literally my own best friend. I’ve got inside jokes with myself and I actually laugh out loud at how freaking funny I am!
(I think senility is gonna be a fairly smooth transition for me…)

Talking to yourself is fun. And funny!(to anyone watching, that is…) Check out this Dick Van Dyke clip, priceless!

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