JUST DON’T DO IT

Many many many years ago, God said that good, obedient wives and women could be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round, and he laughed, and laaaaughed…

   SOOOOOOO… Let’s just suffice it to say my husband did something REEEEEEEALLLY STUPID. Stupid enough that I’ve been so pissed that I haven’t spoken to him for 3 DAYS. He finally asks, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

AAAAAAAND….

   Lemme tell you something. Contrary to popular belief, I have an INCREDIBLE amount of patience for many things. Just, well… NOT SO MANY OTHERS. It takes a lot to push me to that point. But guys, you NEED to be sure before you ask your significant other “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” that you better have a bulletproof vest,a fireproof suit, a helmet, a football helmet face cage AND an incredibly good pair of running shoes…

   NOW WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE DONE SO WRONG TO WARRANT THE NECESSITY FOR ALL OF THESE THINGS?

Well, depends on the day. Is she having a good day, A BAD DAY, or an indifferent day? PMS? Just woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Maybe it just depends on YOU. Did you throw your wet towel or dirty underwear and stinky socks on top of her clean clothes for work tomorrow on the chair?  Did you FORGET your wedding anniversary? OR, heaven forbid, DID YOU EAT THE LAST TRIPLE CHOCOLATE MAGNUM ICE CREAM BAR?

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE!!!

(Hmmmm, how are those running shoes working out for you?)

   DUDE, THIS AIN’T ROCKET SCIENCE HERE. A little common sense goes a long way here. AND you aren’t stupid (Or at least I hope you’re not).

You forget important dates? THAT’S WHAT THE HELL GOOGLE CALENDAR IS FOR IN YOUR PHONE!

That dirty layndry? THAT’S WHAT THE LAUNDRY BASKET IS FOR, OR FOR GOD’S SAKE, AT LEAST JUST THROW THEM ON THE FLOOR IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!

The ice cream? DO I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU TO GO BUY A REPLACEMENT BOX BEFORE SHE FINDS OUT?

PMS? OFF YOU GO, STRAIGHT TO THE GROCERY STORE. MIDOL, TAMPONS AND CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE. (DID I FAIL TO MENTION CHOCOLATE?) OFF WITH YOU!!!

   Listen guys, A woman’s anger is like a check engine light. That light can just pop on out of nowhere. ANYTHING can be wrong, PROCESS OF ELIMINATION is your ONLY option, and you better move quickly before that motor craps out; Why? Because if your car gets stuck, she’s probably the one that’s gonna have to come and pick you up, and then ALL BETS ARE OFF…

“UGHHHHHHH!!!!  I TOLD YOU THE CAR WAS MAKING NOISES A MONTH AGO. I TOLD YOU THE CAR NEEDED A TUNE-UP 2 MONTHS AGO…” (ARE YOU KIND OF STARTING TO SEE A PATTERN HERE?)

   So, if you have to stop, even for a second, to think that what you’re about to say or do MIGHT be something that would irritate your woman,

JUST STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

JUST STOP.

Seriously think about how what you’re about to do will become the Wrath of She after dinner. If you even have to think about it, IT IS WRONG.  Just don’t do it. You’ll be a lot happier, AND SAFER, in the long run…