-
There’s Pumpkin in the Air!
Oh my gourd, it’s already falling! There’s pumpkin in the air! Oh, wait, no, it’s freaking 93° again today. My bad… Holy shit, This is starting to feel like the endless freaking summer! All the kids have already gone back to school and it was 98°! No, not in California, in Jersey! I mean what the virtual fuck? IT’S SEPTEMBER!!!! I think everybody has their head up there ass anymore! I’m going to go food shopping the other day, and already, they have pumpkin donuts, apple cider donuts, apple cider in a jug. It’s only freaking September! And it’s still over 90°! The leaves are still green! So wait, are…
-
CONTROL ISSUES
Well, today’s been like the worst day ever. Realized that my universal remote control most definitely does not control the universe. Not even remotely.
-
Married, With Dishes…
Married, With Dishes… So, my husband, like all men in life, has a few quirky habits. And like all men, some of them are annoying as all get-out. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death, but being clinically OCD, there’s a certain way that Every. Single. Thing. has to be done. Like the time that I sent him out to do laundry. 4 hours later I called to see where he was, and he was still doing the laundry because everything had to be folded a certain way??? Fast forward to him washing the dishes. Before we got a dishwasher, for the life of me I could…
-
Whether You Weather the Weather… Or Not
It is hotter than Hades’ sweaty ball sack today, holy shit! (Comparitively, I had the AC on!)
-
A BEAUTIFUL BODY IS GOOD FOR A NIGHT, BUT…
There’s an old saying that goes, “a beautiful body and face is good for a night, but a beautiful mind is good for a lifetime.” Ladies, that statement is so profound it’s not even funny. Think about it… You’re in school, or you’re out at a social place. There is a guy standing in the corner, the Greek God that he is, the Eye Candy of a lifetime , the physical being that just oozes sex out of EVERY. SINGLE. PORE. BEAUTIFUL BODY. OMG OMG OMG, THAT FACE!!! You see him and you are just instantly reduced to a pile of mush. He comes walking over , and you are there doing the old…
-
Spring! YAYYYY! Not…
Hey, hey, mah fave bitches! Spring is in the air!No,Wait…That’s pollen. But seriously, Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants! After a week of rain, finally, a beautiful day to kick off the spring season! Yeah, I may have a runny nose, and my eyes may feel like they’re bleeding, but it’s a beautiful day, lol! And I mean criminy, we never even got a single day of snow here! You know me, all I ask is one decent snowfall a year, but this year? I got nuttin’. And you do know what spring is, right? Spring is the only season where we ask, OK, will it…
-
BUT I’VE HAD MY PATIENCE TESTED. ALL TESTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE…
“…but I’ve HAD my patience tested! All tests came back negative…” Patience? Sorry, I got nothing… After this week, I really need to be taken out. On a date or by a sniper. Either one is fine with me at this point. There are some MISERABLE people in this world. And I’m cool with that. As long as they’re not going to try to take me down with them. So I get a call that a pipe broke and flooded my office. I get there, and thank God, it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. So I figured let me tie up a few loose ends and then…
-
IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?
Is Your Refrigerator Running? Do you realize the irony of an entire generation of kids that was raised on making prank phone calls, only to be terrorized by daily robocalls now? They say that payback is an eternal bitch, and, well, there you go… And oh my God, prank call we did. “Is your refrigerator running? Well ya better hurry up and catch it!” “Is there a John in the house? No? Well where the hell do you go pee, in the sink?!” Now don’t get me wrong, there were people that we would TORTURE with it, and eventually their parents would get on the phone and scream their heads…
-
HEY! IT’S SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY!
Squirrel Appreciation day! YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!! NOT!!!! Listen, squirrels may be cute little buggers, but when you live in the woods? Not so much. Between hearing them walking across the roof, scratching inside the walls once one of them manages to crawl in in the middle of winter, or watching one of them moon you through a window(yes, it did happen), I’m not always the biggest fan… A few years back, before we started overhauling the very old house that we bought, we had a bit of an issue that winter. Middle of the night we would be hearing one of the not so little suckers scratching inside one of our walls.…
-
What? No Welcome Mat?
Looking for welcome mat? Well, you aren’t going to find one at my door ‘cuz I ain’t a liar… Looking for welcome mat? Well, you aren’t going to find one at my door ‘cuz I ain’t a liar… Listen, I’m probably the most social person you’re ever going to meet. But at the end of the day, when I get home, I am HOME. I’m not answering my door. Hell, I’m not even going to grace you with a “Who is it!” So don’t bother knocking even if the house AIN’T rocking, because I’m NOT coming to the door. You’re not welcome… And some of you fuckers are persistent! Some…
-
Chickens. The Pets That Poop Breakfast
Sounds pretty crappy to me… Chickens. The pets that poop breakfast. And at lunch, and at dinner, and at every thing and everywhere in between. Seriously, have you ever owned one? Chicken ownership brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Holy shit!!!” (I shit you not!) Well, I shit you not, but I’m sure the chicken will shit you everywhere you like, lol! The average healthy chicken craps at least 12 to 15 times a day. (Imagine an unhealthy one?) Now normally, that wouldn’t be a big deal, except if you’ve never owned one, you can’t really understand…. Usually, you need to buy your chicks around Easter. I’ll bring…
-
So I Went Food Shopping On An Empty Stomach…
Ugh… So I went food shopping on an empty stomach. I’m now the proud owner of aisle13. Oh, come on, like this is never happened to you? (yeah, right… whatever helps you sleep at night….) Listen, when you go shopping on a full stomach, you just want to get in and get out. You’re bloated, you’re tired and you just want to go home. You probably end up leaving without stuff that you went shopping for in the first place. Yes, I’ve done that too. Like a bazillion times. But the one thing that drives me nuts is when I’m on my way home and I haven’t eaten all day…
-
Butter, NOT Parkay…
Butter is slippery, that’s why we eat as much as possible to lubricate our arteries and veins! I slathered a slab of the creamy goodness that is REAL butter on a piece of my King’s Hawaiian bread at my holiday dinner table. Biting into the chewy, doughy sweetness with just the right smattering of the savory butter, my eyes nearly rolled into the back of my head… Sounds almost sexy, doesn’t it? Well, yes, of course it does! It’s the romance that we ALL have with butter. You’ll never get that result with margarine, believe me. Completely different taste, completely different results when baking. It’s like spreading nasty grease on…
-
Just Add Water? Please Don’t!
(from the archive) Feeling the “pressure?” Nothing like a little craziness to break up the daily grind… So I went grocery shopping last week, and I found a great deal on some pork loin. Let me tell you something, if you’ve never owned a pressure cooker, and you’ve never made a pork loin in a pressure cooker, it will be the juiciest, softest most beautiful piece of meat you will ever eat. I happen to own, or USED to own, a Wolfgang Puck pressure cooker, and I swear that other than meatloaf, that’s pretty much the only thing that I use it for. So I go to pull out my…
-
Law and Order Star Richard Belzer Dead at 78
Richard Belzer has passed away this morning at his home in the South of France/Bozouls at the age of 78. He was originally known for his brutal stand up comedy, but more recently for playing Detective John Munch on Law and Order SVU. That role has lasted 23 YEARS. Richard also wrote 4 books. An avid conspiracy theorist, two of those books became New York Times best sellers. Belzer had numerous health issues in the past. He survived a bout of testicular cancer in 1983. His cause of death was not immediately known. He is survived by his wife, actress Harlee McBride, and two stepdaughters.
-
You May Not Be Able To Control Who Comes Into Your Life, But You Can ABSOLUTELY Control What Window You’ll Throw Them Out Of…
Self Control? What’s That??? So there are many different kinds of relationship in life. Friendships, romantic relationships, love-hate relationships, “I hate that son-of-a-bitch more than life itself relationships… We always prefer to have peace in our lives, to be happy everyday and love all of our friends. But then one day… One day that trainwreck shitstorm drama llama ding-dong falls out of the sky and right into your bowl of Cheerios and spends the rest of their time knowing you peeing in it. AND, what’s worse, no matter where you are or where you go, there’s no getting rid of them! Your air quality meter alarm is going off at…
-
Silence is Golden, But Duct Tape is Silver and it Fixes Damn Near Anyone, I Mean Anything
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver and it fixes damn near anyone, I mean anything You know, not for nothing, I really do try to see the best in people. But seriously? Some of you effers make it really, really hard. Yes, I admit it, I do smile just a little bit when Karma pays a visit to someone who so desperately deserves it. It just sucks when you realize you’ve reached a point in your life that your tolerance level for bullshit has reached the lowest point ever. There’s always that one shit star in our life. You know the one. The troublemaker. The drama llama. The…
-
Be a Voice, NOT an Echo!
Don’t you love all of these music talent shows on TV? You know the ones. The ones that have people who could sing like angels on high , and the ones that are completely tone-deaf? Okay, so the first set has voices that you get completely lost in the music. The second set can shatter wine glasses at close range. Now, other than having the talent of being able to shatter glass and your ear drums at the same time, what is the difference between these two people? Think for a minute before you answer…. And the answer is? Absolutely nothing. Is one person much more pleasant to listen to?…
-
That’s Liiiiife…
That’s Life… That’s liiiiife… That’s what people saaaaaaayyyyy… (Insert your best Frank Sinatra pic here). You’re riding high in April, shot down in May. Back on top in June. Yep, kind of seems like that’s where we’re at lately. We don’t know for coming or going, what day it is, what month it is, and I’m still writing 2022 on all of my paperwork, smh. Well, I guess that’s why people say life is like a dick. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down, but it won’t be hard forever! Sometimes things all seem like they’re going down the toilet but with one snap of a finger, everything does a 360.…
-
I NEED a Freaking Hammer!!!
A Hammer? So picture this. You need to fix things The toolbox is empty, and all you have is a hammer. And using a hammer to fix things never ends well. Just think about the Hulk. He always used to yell, “Hulk smash!” Did that ever end well? Well, maybe once in a while, but anyway… Common sense would tell you if something is made of glass, using a hammer is most definitely not going to fix things. Hopefully, you have common sense. But not everybody does. Some people? Not so smart. Their thing is using the hammer and pretty much obliterating things with it. They believe: If you have…
