Ugh…

So I went food shopping on an empty stomach. I’m now the proud owner of aisle13. Oh, come on, like this is never happened to you?

(yeah, right… whatever helps you sleep at night….)

Listen, when you go shopping on a full stomach, you just want to get in and get out. You’re bloated, you’re tired and you just want to go home. You probably end up leaving without stuff that you went shopping for in the first place. Yes, I’ve done that too. Like a bazillion times.

But the one thing that drives me nuts is when I’m on my way home and I haven’t eaten all day and realize I have to stop off at the grocery store to grab stuff for dinner. I literally walk in with the sole intention of buying NOTHING BUT the three items that I walk in for. $120 later and at least one open bag of Cool ranch Doritos later, I’m on my way home. I’m in the parking lot, and it begins:

$120?! Where the fu#k did I spend $120?! I went in there for three things!!! What the hell did I buy?! I only bought the three things I came out for and a couple snack items, where the hell is my receipt?!”

Now I am holding up traffic walking slowly trying to push my cart, find my receipt and read it. Okay, here’s the tomato sauce, here’s the grated cheese and wait, what is this? Oh, that’s the Doritos. Here’s the sausage, and what’s this? Oh, that’s the container of gelato. What’s th… oh…. The cookies. And the brownie mix. And. And…..

Listen, if I have learned nothing in life, there is only one mistake that you can make in a grocery store bigger than going in there when you’re starving. Now I know you’ve done this at least a hundred times, or there’s something seriously wrong with you. What is it you ask???

The late evening trip to ShopRite. AND they’re going to be closing in like half an hour, so HURRY HURRY HURRY! You’ve got the CRAVE!!!!!

So, you are craving salty. I mean you GOTTA have the 5 lb bag of ruffles extra salty potato chips. And, I mean, what are those awesome salty potato chips without some ice cold Helluva Good sour cream onion dip? So now you walk across to the dairy section and grab your onion dip, and now you’re walking past that extra fudgy chocolate chip cake in the fresh-baked aisle. You’re saying to yourself, “Nah, I only came out for the chips and dip. I really really really really want salty…”

On your way to check out, you pass the frozen food aisle and the triple chocolate fudge chip ice cream is on sale half price this week. “Nope nope, I only came out for salty and creamy, not sweet and crunchy.” So you get to the checkout, you pay for your salty and creamy and you head for your car to go home.

Fast forward an hour later. Remember, the store is now closed. You’re dialed into Netflix to Netflix and chill and it’s snack time! You go to grab the chips, then you go to grab the dip, then you head for the couch. You sit for just a minute or two watching a commercial and you get ready to open up the chips and dip, and suddenly….

It’s not what you’re in the mood for…

Hmmmmmmm, do I have any ice cream? Let me go take a look. And you look. And there is none. So you go back to the couch and you pick up the bag of chips that you still haven’t opened yet. And you’re thinking. Did I finish the last of that chocolate fudge cake the other night? I don’t think I did, and you go run to check. And you look. And there is none. So you go back to the couch. And you pick up the bag of chips again. Except now the salty is the last thing you want. And the sweet is what you NEED…

Are you surprised?

Dude, there is a universal law here. when it comes to snacks, always always always keep one of each:

Sweet
Salty
Crunchy
Creamy

No matter what, you are always going to want what you don’t have. If you have it in the house, you will never worry about not having something to nosh on. but when you don’t have it in the house, it doesn’t matter how bad you wanted that salty stuff, if you don’t have the sweet in the house, that is all you’re going to want to eat vice versa! Don’t believe me? Go ahead and try it, I double dog dare you! You will kick yourself in the ass for not buying it and bringing it home, trust me!

You will always want what you cannot or do not have. So keep all your bases covered!

ShopRite closes at 11….

on Medium: https://medium.com/p/5bfe1095952e