CONTROL ISSUES

Well, today’s been like the worst day ever. Realized that my universal remote control most definitely does not control the universe. Not even remotely.

Listen, I don’t have control issues. Well, maybe just a little. But every single person that walks this Earth does as well! You don’t think so? Try watching one of your little children decorate a Christmas tree without you! You will catch yourself running across the room screaming, “WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! COME HERE COME HERE COME HERE COME HERE!!! Let me help you with that!” 

And ITALIAN moms? Omfg, there are TONS of moms that love to go, “I need help around here! I have to do EVERYTHING around here!!!” And then when you go to help, “No no no, don’t do it that way, here let me do it! Give me that, go inside…” As a kid, you knew all you had to do was make the effort and do something the WRONG way, on purpose, and you would be able to go out and play within the hour, smh.

But seriously, nobody really has any control. God put hair on our heads to remind us of that on a daily basis. Think I’m kidding? Just go outside on a humid summer day and watch your hair grow three sizes after you have dried your hair, flat ironed it and put Stiff Stuff in it to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that not a hair would be out of place.

Good luck with that.

Like, if we were meant to be controlled, we would all come with a damn remote!  Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely have control over a lot of things in our lives. But the rest? That’s usually where we end up getting into trouble. We try to control what we shouldn’t, and we choose not to control what we should. At the end of the day, you are in the driver’s seat of your life. You control the way you allow people to treat you. You control your behavior and your reactions to others.

But then there are always the things that we can’t control, and that’s fine. Those are the times when you get to shift change, look at the next shift leader and say, “Okay, I kept them alive, your turn.”

Now if you remember, my husband is OCD. So I may or may not have told you about the one time I asked him to go do the laundry at the laundromat when our washer broke down. He was gone for 4 plus hours. I call him and ask him where he is. He says, “I’m doing the laundry.” I said, “But you’ve been gone for 4 HOURS.” He says, “Well I’m not done yet!”

I had only sent him in with a couple of loads. Fast forward that remote to when he gets home, 5 TOTAL HOURS LATER, and everything is neatly stacked and folded a certain way, shirt after shirt, pants after pants. I said, “But what the hell took you so long?!” He says listen, I know how to fold things! You can’t just go folding sideways all lefty righty like a rebel, you have to make them stack neatly!

Yeah. Right.

It took all self control I had NOT to take them apart and redo them all crooked…

(Where the HELL is that damn remote?!?!?!?)

The other day I was having one of those days where I was holding a stick and everybody looked like a damn pinata.  I wanted to get my pressure checked real quick, so I stopped in to see my doctor. He told me I needed to start killing people. Well, maybe not in those EXACT words, but he said I hadda reduce any stress in my life. And, well, that’s kinda the same thing? No?

Anger control? Ummmm, yeah, I don’t have that (not even remotely). Don’t get me wrong… The world isn’t COMPLETELY filled with assholes, but they just seem to be strategically placed so that I run across at least one EVERY MOTHER EFFING DAY…

I don’t have a filter, either. But an attitude is such a TERRIBLE thing to waste! And just remember, attitude and sarcasm are MUCH CHEAPER than therapy and bail money! Now, if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decision isn’t going to make itself…