Life Lessons
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JUST DON’T DO IT
JUST DON’T DO IT Many many many years ago, God said that good, obedient wives and women could be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round, and he laughed, and laaaaughed… SOOOOOOO… Let’s just suffice it to say my husband did something REEEEEEEALLLY STUPID. Stupid enough that I’ve been so pissed that I haven’t spoken to him for 3 DAYS. He finally asks, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” AAAAAAAND…. Lemme tell you something. Contrary to popular belief, I have an INCREDIBLE amount of patience for many things. Just, well… NOT SO MANY OTHERS. It takes a lot to push me to…
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CONTROL ISSUES
Well, today’s been like the worst day ever. Realized that my universal remote control most definitely does not control the universe. Not even remotely.
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Married, With Dishes…
Married, With Dishes… So, my husband, like all men in life, has a few quirky habits. And like all men, some of them are annoying as all get-out. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death, but being clinically OCD, there’s a certain way that Every. Single. Thing. has to be done. Like the time that I sent him out to do laundry. 4 hours later I called to see where he was, and he was still doing the laundry because everything had to be folded a certain way??? Fast forward to him washing the dishes. Before we got a dishwasher, for the life of me I could…
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A BEAUTIFUL BODY IS GOOD FOR A NIGHT, BUT…
There’s an old saying that goes, “a beautiful body and face is good for a night, but a beautiful mind is good for a lifetime.” Ladies, that statement is so profound it’s not even funny. Think about it… You’re in school, or you’re out at a social place. There is a guy standing in the corner, the Greek God that he is, the Eye Candy of a lifetime , the physical being that just oozes sex out of EVERY. SINGLE. PORE. BEAUTIFUL BODY. OMG OMG OMG, THAT FACE!!! You see him and you are just instantly reduced to a pile of mush. He comes walking over , and you are there doing the old…
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BUT I’VE HAD MY PATIENCE TESTED. ALL TESTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE…
“…but I’ve HAD my patience tested! All tests came back negative…” Patience? Sorry, I got nothing… After this week, I really need to be taken out. On a date or by a sniper. Either one is fine with me at this point. There are some MISERABLE people in this world. And I’m cool with that. As long as they’re not going to try to take me down with them. So I get a call that a pipe broke and flooded my office. I get there, and thank God, it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. So I figured let me tie up a few loose ends and then…
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Just Add Water? Please Don’t!
(from the archive) Feeling the “pressure?” Nothing like a little craziness to break up the daily grind… So I went grocery shopping last week, and I found a great deal on some pork loin. Let me tell you something, if you’ve never owned a pressure cooker, and you’ve never made a pork loin in a pressure cooker, it will be the juiciest, softest most beautiful piece of meat you will ever eat. I happen to own, or USED to own, a Wolfgang Puck pressure cooker, and I swear that other than meatloaf, that’s pretty much the only thing that I use it for. So I go to pull out my…
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You May Not Be Able To Control Who Comes Into Your Life, But You Can ABSOLUTELY Control What Window You’ll Throw Them Out Of…
Self Control? What’s That??? So there are many different kinds of relationship in life. Friendships, romantic relationships, love-hate relationships, “I hate that son-of-a-bitch more than life itself relationships… We always prefer to have peace in our lives, to be happy everyday and love all of our friends. But then one day… One day that trainwreck shitstorm drama llama ding-dong falls out of the sky and right into your bowl of Cheerios and spends the rest of their time knowing you peeing in it. AND, what’s worse, no matter where you are or where you go, there’s no getting rid of them! Your air quality meter alarm is going off at…
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Be a Voice, NOT an Echo!
Don’t you love all of these music talent shows on TV? You know the ones. The ones that have people who could sing like angels on high , and the ones that are completely tone-deaf? Okay, so the first set has voices that you get completely lost in the music. The second set can shatter wine glasses at close range. Now, other than having the talent of being able to shatter glass and your ear drums at the same time, what is the difference between these two people? Think for a minute before you answer…. And the answer is? Absolutely nothing. Is one person much more pleasant to listen to?…
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That’s Liiiiife…
That’s Life… That’s liiiiife… That’s what people saaaaaaayyyyy… (Insert your best Frank Sinatra pic here). You’re riding high in April, shot down in May. Back on top in June. Yep, kind of seems like that’s where we’re at lately. We don’t know for coming or going, what day it is, what month it is, and I’m still writing 2022 on all of my paperwork, smh. Well, I guess that’s why people say life is like a dick. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down, but it won’t be hard forever! Sometimes things all seem like they’re going down the toilet but with one snap of a finger, everything does a 360.…
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I NEED a Freaking Hammer!!!
A Hammer? So picture this. You need to fix things The toolbox is empty, and all you have is a hammer. And using a hammer to fix things never ends well. Just think about the Hulk. He always used to yell, “Hulk smash!” Did that ever end well? Well, maybe once in a while, but anyway… Common sense would tell you if something is made of glass, using a hammer is most definitely not going to fix things. Hopefully, you have common sense. But not everybody does. Some people? Not so smart. Their thing is using the hammer and pretty much obliterating things with it. They believe: If you have…
